To Be A Better Man

I cut down on smoking and drinking. I go clubbing no more and i do not fight. I am a good man.

Good Looks And Skills Are Killer Combinations

Tired and lifeless i am feeling of late. I got home in the afternoon and was too lethargic to do other else. I am relating about Sun. Stripped to boxers and slumped on the sofa watching reruns on cable. It was a Sun and i am home before the sun sets. It can mean one thing. I am super burned out and drained. I hate to admit this but something was bothering this hero. Matters of the heart. Then good old friend came over and disturbed the peace and tranquil. Got me out of the mundane and chased the gloom out the door. Till he said his stomach was growling. Means he or i or both got to hunt for food in the great outdoors. There was never much in this house unless call in for delivers. I was too bummed to get off the comfort realm. I just wanted to sleep and rest and do nothing. But i managed to pull together and put on some camou cargo bermudas i snipped short from the soldier times in National Service and put on a camp polo shirt that got small. It was not ironed and i did not showered. That is the point. I could not cared shit. Bet waiting to see where we ended up. To Harbourfront on a Sun and spotting that attire. Must be cool. Hell i was wearing the old school spectacles instead of the coloured contact lenses and hair was in a mess. There were hordes of shoppers and i was sneered at but i was not in the mood to fight. Him and i dined in at the foodcourt. He ordered for me food and beverages while i sat and waited. I was too laggard to do much. Once we were done with dinner we strolled on and entered a sports shop. In a matter of minutes i bought swimming wear, two shorts and a favourite ruggers team shirt all from Adidas. Impulse shopping. Then at the cashier i spotted this sign that promotes their discount card or something along that line. The girl was sluggish on the transactions so we chatted a little. I enquired about the card but it was obvious that i am not entitled because i did not spent that much. I understood what i read but was just flirting. Just when i thought it was futile i heard her called out for me when i was about to leave. She decided to give me the card. She was searching for the application form but it was not around. She even had her friend ran over to the other shop to get it for me. She enquired what perfume i was wearing and i said Davidoff. She was also singing a song over the counter in front of me audible for all to hear. I thought she was mad. It was embarrassing but i acted nonchalant. Friend said she was blushing and it was obvious that she was hitting on me. I told him i could not care. I just wanted the discount card.

Forcible Violation

Elder brother and i drove to California Fitness last evening. It was a Mon and as much as i was feeling the blues i had to drag these feet out of the house. Mon is intensive training for me. Pumping iron and running mills. Got competitions coming up and girls to impress. I got to be religious about the routines and regimes i had planned. I was in the car and chatting about politics when i told brother that it is time to colour me hair. Something ritual for me each time school closes. I am not wasting more precious minutes. School will reopen soon so i got to do it. He told me there is a salon near the fitness centre but it could be closed after our trainings. Once we were done i noticed that it was still opened and i enquired about the prices. Nothing is cheap around the Central Business District and i am referring to Raffles Place. Brother can get impatient when it comes to his little brother's dealings and he wants to eat so he went home without me. I had to opt for the train or the cab once i am done there.

Here is the interesting part. Mention male hairdressers and i cannot help but associate them to people attracted to the same gender. Not sounding rude here but true enough it was proven authentic. It was about closing time for the salon but the management had it extended for me. Colouring hair can prolong for a period of time because it is no simple feat and specific people such as me can have special demands and instructions. Excellent customer service sure but listen me out first then judge. The slim dude watched me weird and touched me hair odd. This is not me first time doing hair so of course i sensed something fallacious. He inquired about me race and said i resembled chinese. Told him i am mixed. He was impressed and we conversed in mandarin. There was one surprising part when he pulled down the singlet that i was wearing from behind and went about admiring and commenting the tattoo i had. Last but not least i was charged a mere $50 for a cut and highlight. Never this cheap.

Note To Campmates

654 SIR Reservist Unit amber alert is on from 020407 to 100407. Gearing up for anti-terrorism alert.

You Are So Beautiful

Exam results release on the fourth of April so log in online. Aizuddin leaving for Brunei and gone for quite sometime on the fifth of April. He wants me to send him off and welcome him home. He also hopes to see me each time he gets out of camp till he goes off. Him and i are bonding and things are good. But more important i am developing interest for this girl. Met her in a debate. Such inappropriate occasion for us to utter our first words. She was breathtaking and i could not escape this mind off dreaming about her. I had not said much of it because i must avoid the complications. She has her man. In a series of coincidence she and i were sitting down in the school hall and i caught her laughing at me clowning around. I was not aware that she was observing. It was embarrassing but it was all cool. She finds me cute. Then one fateful night i witness her in all her full grandeur. I saw her performing the classical and traditional dance to the tunes of Tiara Jacquelina. I melted and the joints grew feeble. I have a thing about slender girls with long hair dancing and moving and twirling in particular to that soporific trance. She is so fair under the pale moonlight. Till now i have deep feelings for her but i do not have the courage to tell her that. So much of a hero. It will remain that manner for it is best that i zip this mouth shut. Let me just guard her from afar and admire in silence for i am sworn to a world where love do not exist. Feelings made me delicate and lame and frail. There is nothing good.

I Missed You

I just completed Ultimate Alliance on XBOX! Before that i was just chilling with Aizuddin under the apartment and around this neighbourhood till he had to rush to the loo. The kid is suffering from diarrhoea man and for weeks too. In and out of NUH. He was from camp earlier and was nice enough to call me to meet up. He had outfield and i could tell that he was tired but he made the effort. But i will appreciate it if next time he could buzz earlier because i need to hit the showers and put some clothes on. We chatted for hours and tied some loose ends. Made amends and declared peace. Him and i are brothers again for good i hope. Better or worse. This is his last chance. I humbled and apologised. Something i am not generous with. So when i apologise it is from the heart. The two of us will be watching movie much later tonight after i return from the beach. I cannot afford to sleep because i understand full well that i cannot get up in time. Dear best friend will be pissed. I am notorious for cancelling dates and appointments.

Still Gorgeous Though

For the longest time i prefer girls with long hair and she just had to cut it off.

This Wound Was About To Heal

Four in the morning and i am not asleep. I have a list of places to go later but it seems that something is bothering this conscious. I gulped down sleeping tablet but still this mind is up and alert. I am having a great time off from the usual mishaps and emotional meltdown bullshits. Nothing bothering me. It was much of a relief. I am having fun with friends and meeting people. Socialising and widening the circle is the game. I am recovering and doing better at a fraction of a time i thought would consume ages. Guess i underestimated. This is good news because i am moving on sooner than i thought capable. I tried not to allow this mind wander too much and set adrift in the past. It is pointless and a waste of brain matter. I am glad this particular person had left this mind although i am being reminded on the roads noticing this particular mode of transportation zooming past. I was in the car and bestfriend was driving. I got distracted. The song on the radio was Wake Me Up When September Ends. I hate that song but the band remains favourite. I will jump to the next number on the music device when i hear that song. Such behaviour is imperative because i have a habit of dwelling in the past. I must avoid that. The tune serenaded me to the time i and that asshole had a blast together. That song hold memories. Then i told bestfriend that it had been quite a long time since that name slipped these lips. It was not even in these thoughts no more said i. Surprised at the achievement we both were and he commented i was doing fine. That i should continue progressing. Life is a bliss. Problems no where near or at least nothing i am incapable of handling. I am doing good thus far and i cannot help but emphasise that notion. Nothing school and people i detest to bug me and ruin this jovial mood. To ruin me and curse this life miserable. But something just had to go wrong. It was just a matter of time. I am well versed with the grand design of nature coils. Internet is not a good thing and i must refrain from reading blogs. I am not pleased with what i see and i am not pleased with what i hear.

Manhunt On The Loose

Yahooo! Just finished cooking sambal goreng for aunt. She will be coming over later. Time to go swimming and broaden these shoulders. Then followed with weight lifting sessions at California Fitness. Must train hard and smart. Tomorrow training at the stadium to build up strength, stamina and endurance. Running non-stop for an hour will do. But riding practical in the afternoon first. Meeting some friends tonight so will be home late.

I Do Hope So

There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. Quote from Marcus Tullius Cicero.

In A Time Where Fairies Float And Trolls Roam

Once upon a time there lived two men strangers to one another till both crossed paths as fate decreed in a place where neither both wanted to be. The elder was approached and invited to sit beside him. It was nice. Conversations soon followed suit and phone numbers were exchanged. Hands were gripped to seal a pact of friendship and that was how it all began. It was simple but the truth is both never much be pleased with one another. Their characters and personalities contradicted much to both ends of the spectrum. Such from two different worlds and science had to proclaim opposites attract. The two tried to accommodate and made it possible. There were not much choices and both were smart people. That was something both had to do and it was understood and accepted. Call it pretentious but it prospered because later on down the road the two became good friends in a turn of event. The friendship blossomed and it was so ironic that both missed the process of being best friends and proceeded to becoming brothers in an instant. That was a fatal error. It could had been prevented. Brotherhood should be developed overtime and not rushed. The elder understood that. The elder was careful and meticuous but that time was different. Both chaps hung out till late night and spent hours together for most of the months. There was so much to learn from one another and both adored and cherished the other. Laughing and chatting and going places no one could imagined. It seemed nothing could go wrong but also nothing is perfect. There is flaw in all human dealings. It was bliss during the golden age and it was so beautiful until all good things must come to an end. Sooner than predicted. It was painful and unbearable till tears rolled and tone of voices were raised. It was a catastrophe.

The elder was at fault. He became protective of his prized possession that soon it hurts. He was just taking good care of his little brother and keeping a lookout for his kinsman but it was misunderstood across all levels. It was frustrating and of course depressing for both. Suicidal for one. It was complicated but the elder was the one responsible. No details to be covered here for the tale is too long and intricate. The other had no patience in hope and zero faith in reconciliating so the relationship crumbles and turned sour. Perhaps he had seen it all and had enough. The elder never gave up having the nature of a fighter and a survivor but it was futile. He hated it when he fails. Failure was not an option but his brother was stubborn as hell. He tried to amend but it resulted in both men splitting and downgrading to just being best friends. Tell me if that is not excruciating enough because the two decided to turn normal friends due to ceaseless fights and constant arguements. That was the right thing to do i suppose. Running from problems instead of facing it like a man and solving the hurdles. Fast forward to this course and both are not much on talking terms. Both are not friends at all. Hating one another perhaps. The sights of each other is such a sore. Both men had learnt so much and seen the idealism of situations. Both men had grown and matured from the unfortunate incidents and moved on with their lives. But believe me the infinite memories of great times spent together will never be forgotten and the elder never regretted a single moment with his beloved brother. He will linger on. It was the happiest times of his life and he misses them. Both did what both had to do and the elder understands that although he disapproves of it. I would like to continue but i had written a lot. The end.

Tale Of Two Brothers

Those killer moves. Damn. The film Stomp The Yard is out in cinemas. Go watch the drama unfolds. How his brother got killed and the perseverance to continue life. Starting afresh in foreign territories and environments and making it through education. It was inspiring and touching. I caught it on Sat night at Plaza Singapura and it was a blast. Tickets were bought for Thu but i was too tired and flat out from school that i had to cancel the outing. Thanks for understanding.

The movie got me in numerous moving stances and episodes. In case people are wondering just to fill them in i have hidden talents and one of them is i can groove. Meaning dance. Just a bit. I pull things up fast just through watching. So movies these times puts me in the mood. It was quite an adrenalin rush with the music and all. There were some techniques we are familiar with. Like the locking routines but i had never seen the stepping methods. Or stomping in slang.

Yes we all heard about the classical tap dancing but stomping was extreme. Full gear head on. Hip hop multiplied to a million volts. Do that and get to me because it was electric. There was nothing like it. I had not seen it before put together in that manner. Creative at best and superb choreographings. It was refreshing and rejuvenating. Smooth and sleek movements and the coordinations were top notch. Must watch for dancers all over the world irregardless of genres and ethics.

National Lifeguards Initiation

I cannot wait for that date. God speed.

Better Then Ever Before

Alright! Alright! I will update. Sheesh. I just got home not too long ago. Indoors on a Sat night. Thanks for rubbing it in Farhan. It is the weekends but i got to rush home because i was worried about Din the four-legged furball. I had not been home for the past two nights. And for most nights of the week too. Sleeping over at bestfriend's place and having a whale of a time. Din might be starving oh poor kitten. This is not animal abuse. Please do not report this and put him in a shelter. Din was glad to see me and so was i.

Examinations are over and time to pop the champagne. Under no circumstances did i studied much and i was not in the least bit stressed. I felt the pressure building inside but i halted it from manifesting out of control. It was fascinating to observe the peers busting their brains out and burning midnight oils. Studious bunch of... Nevermind. I understand that i will not fail nor will i score high this time. But we will see. Born genius. Bleargh! Intelligence plus character is the true goal of education. Said Martin Luther King.

Straight after paper on Thu i spared no moment in kicking start the celebration. One full month off from that piteous institution. Orgasmic man. That place damn brought me down. Too much bad. There is nothing good. I hate school. No. I detest schooling in that confound campus. I want out. Ever since the start of this sabbatical i am feeling the self arising again. Something positive. This is cool. Far afield from school and bullshit and people full of crap and sons of bitches. I am gaining strength and power again. Oh i am loving it.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

I am shedding this juvenile charms and trading it for something more rustic and matured. I had been underestimated so a change of image this season will do good. Little more on the adult side. I want to resemble a brute to be honest. There are still times when it is a pain in the ass having to elucidate identifications to get cigarettes and booze. I appear minor to them but i relish the moment their expression changes. Priceless. I am growing shrubs on the chin and it felt weird. If there is one person i consider opinions and perspectives in serious it has to be big brother. I questioned him and he said that i just have that pubescent and adolescent aura and characteristics on this face that i have to live with. No. I want to grow up. I cannot wait for nature. It is processing too sluggish. Other than this goatee i am also eating and working out a lot. I cannot remember when was the last time i paid the barber a visit. This hair is sprouting longer then usual. I am making a trip down to the salon soon to splash some colours on these tresses. I am also starting to lighten up. Not that it is a good nor a bad trait but i prefer to be tanned. I also hope that as a person i will be more wiser and less naive. To be able to handle and face challenges as a sensible and rational adult. I understand i can be a little childish at times. Most of the time as some will claim. Therefore i need to grow up and earn respect from this particular person again although it is cute and adorable being small and little once in awhile. I am still mischievous though.

From Herman

We have to cherish things that we love. Before it is lost forever.

From Yana Ramli

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Goodness Gracious Me

It is four in the morning. Gosh i am not in bed although it is calling out for me. I have a paper to be present for in a matter of hours and what the hell am i doing online. Part from the fact that i am not mugging i just got off chatting with Herman. He is turning two five and residing in the north. Passionate in his line of professionalism as a fireman and former lifeguard. He is a sergeant if i am not wrong. Handsome chap. He is done with Huda but is seeing someone else. Toodle ladies. I bet he will be smiling to see me promoting his stature here. Off with that grin.

To Have The Last Laugh

I am the kind of student teachers hate to love and classmates love to hate. Oh just too bad. Good or otherwise i wonder. Go figure.

Loonatics Sound Fine

Hello. I just got home. The cab driver was whack man. I just had dinner too. Or rather supper with dear brother. Told him to pack Carl's Junior for me. The last binge before i go health conscious. Thanks dude. His burger just had to be bigger than mine. Size matters. Brother was at the IT show and i just had to splurge. I cannot leave him alone so i told him to pick up a 160 GB external harddisk for his little brother. Dope huh. I cannot wait to start installing all the games after the examinations. Cost me a bomb but i hope it is worth the cents. Somewhere this evening i got a text message from a friend. She wanted to borrow cash. She wanted to borrow $15 000. Yeah three zeros. And i still have friends in debts with me. For the lack of a better judgement i had to decline. No more nice. I do not even know what it is for. Perhaps it is to bail someone. Damn i hate waking up in the wee hours of the morning. First paper tomorrow at 0830 hours and i am not equipped. It is going to be fine. Pass or fail it does not matter. I am serious. Oh swimming training begins tomorrow after school. I cannot wait. Piece of advice to that bastard out there: The difficulties of life are intended to make us better. Not bitter. Quote from Mandie Ellingson.

Final Year Bullshit

Examinations in about 48 hours first paper and i studied shit. Am i in trouble? Oh well. So this blog had been resumed for over a week now. And just a handful were aware. Good. But be free to spread the word. I do not care. Crashing at friend's crib again tonight. Leaving soon. I am going to fail big time. Like i give a rat's ass.

Paraphernalia

IT shows turn me on. It was an orgasmic experience. I was running around like jumping beans hunting for best bargains. The exhibition hall was congested with anthropoids we denominate as geeks packed in a can of sardine. Something like that. But i managed to rummage through. The leverage of being little. It oppressed me to leave with zero purchase after being jostled and shoved about like in some kind of choo-choo in North India. No offence. So out fished the wallet and transactions were made. 2 GB memory stick duo pro for an amazing gadget of paramount importance to life this age the world christened Sony Ericsson. Dramatic entrance huh. I can now play more music and store pictures and videos in abundance. Quite an investment. Then there was the 1 GB Toshiba thumbdrive at $19.90. No kidding. Damn cheap i mandated. Remarkable upgrade from the current 256 MB. How embarrassing. I had a similar 1 GB Toshiba that dissipated into thin air. Lost it within days of acquirement and it was $35 at that time. Sob. Important documents vanished into oblivion. The thumbdrive was still in mint condition. Rest in peace dude. I was scrutinising the creeks and corners for PSP but the handheld portables were not in much manifests among the clapboard booths. Just a few offers so i decided to abandon plan. Instead i got something else. Lo and behold the splendid most stunning Windows Vista! Yes people it is in these hands. Impressive piece of operating system. Do you have the faintest idea how expensive this crap cost? It was just launched in Asia. Nevermind. Herman is attending this annual pilgrimage to Suntec City as i speak. There will be more technology worshippers on weekends. I pray he survives the ordeal. I wonder what blessings he will bring home. How about a PS3.

Disappointment Galore

This ill discipline and poor conduct had cost me tarnished reputation among the lecturers. I do not wish to elaborate. I am saddened.

The Fallen One

I discovered that my Achilles' heel or rather soft spot are my emotions. Feelings. In detail it is termed 'Love'. I think love stinks. Nobody is perfect and my imperfection is love. It is my one and only weakness. Nothing can bring this man down. Oh no nothing but love. I still find it strange. I know i am strong and i can do so well. No problems too huge for me to set sail on and i smile in the face of danger. Calm and composed. But something so fragile and innocent and pure such as love can hit me hard and ruin me. Hell it shatters my world so painful i was on the verge of killing. I cannot even begin to relate how much of a loser i transformed. I lost all self worth and respect and dignity. Pride down the drain. I was on my knees and begged. I became a pulp overnight. Understatement. In a matter of minutes. It is as good as pissing all over me. Bloody hell. I am trying to refrain from using vulgarities here. I grew helpless and frail. I hate to fall in love and love no more i shall. For as long as i can. Traumatised big time. I had lost the ability to love and i think that will do me good. I will not allow love get in the way of greatness. Love is an absolute distraction. Forgive me. I had lost the will. The will to feel.

Against A Thousand Asian Nations

Fearless and brave. That is what the Spartans were made. Strong and brutal i want to be. Like them. The Spartans had strength and honour. Valour and courage. Respected and feared among others. I had forgotten who i was. Being affected with frivolous concerns. Things were much simple. I am a survivor. A warrior. I was born and bred in a manner not much different from the Spartans. Look at me. A shame. A fraud. But no more. Just watch. I will change. I will rise again to the top. Made of steel this man will be. Walk the earth head up high and standing tall among giants. Taught to fight and defend.

I adore the movie. There were boobs and nude scenes. Both men and women. The Spartans were fit and in excellent condition. Spotted with washboard abdominals. Envious. I will hit the gym next week at California Fitness Centre. 300 at the cinemas. Go watch it. It moved me and brought me to the cores once more. Reminded me of true essence. About two hours long. I am inspired. I can relate to that movie. Damn awesome. One thing i learnt from that motion picture is, "Never allow emotions to rule. It does not exist among men who rules." Indeed. Feelings had brought me down but oh no longer.

Domestic Affairs

It was past afternoon. Woke up real late. Because i was on the damn phone last night. Till four in the morning. Hate this pattern. Conversation was mediocre. So i took a shower. And so did Din. The cat. I clipped my nails. And Din's too. I cleaned my fan and changed my bedsheet. I did my laundry and brought the carpet back in. I also vacuum cleaned my room and mopped the floor. I ironed my clothes and drove to Mc Donald's drive through for dinner. Still hungry. And now i am at my friend's place. Spending the night. Going to the IT show at Suntec City tomorrow. And watching 300. Great movie i am sure. I had been indoors. Because of new change. But will bend the rules a little. Cannot stand being cooked up. Been procrastinating to spring clean. And now finally fulfilled. I am happy. Now i can study. For my examination. Next week. Big brother got into an accident. Will update soon. Last but not least. Independence sucks. But it has it's perks.

From Aizuddin

Do not grow up too fast and do not embrace the past. This life is too good to last and i am too young to care.

The Point Of No Return

There is nothing left. This heart stopped beating. It is over between us. For good. I hope.

This Heart Had Died On 07 February 07

And so it is time. The clock struck twelve. Oh God. The journey begins tonight. This life i had been suffering. Far too long too painful. Hurts deep. New dawn awaits. I am skeptical. But choices are limited. I have to do this. Tomorrow morning. No. It starts here. Now. It is Monday. Unlike other Mondays. I had been anticipating this. Postphone no more. It is finally here. Huge change en route and i am afraid. God please grant me strength to go on. The power i once had imbued in me. I need this. It is for the best. Perhaps. It had been tough. To the point of suicidal. Uhuh. It had been harsh. The end is here. To make room for a beginning. I am not sure. No one to guide me. I see no light at the end of this tunnel. God help. Please. All good things must come to an end. I understand. Such is the nature of human evolution. Damn. I am shivering. This is it. I am doing this. Cold and heartless i shall matured. I had stopped feeling. Miss me. I no longer exist. I am lost. Gone.

Too Cool For School

This vision is failing me. And so is the strength and vigor of a once so alive man. Life had been unkind. But i will not dampen moods. Here is a lowdown of the happenings. No problems with school. But check this out. Debarred for two modules out of three. Damn that is a record. But no big deal. Appealed my case and now awaiting results. I am confident i will be able to sit for the killer papers although i submitted the forms late and still reluctant to come clean with attendance. Thanks to the man, Tong.

The team and i won the debate and emerged champions across the department. Cool stuff. Been scoring distinctions for presentations, projects and reports. Not bad for an ass student. Stopped attending classes last week. The holidays had begun for me. Early dismissal from campus is essential. As usual. Hell examination is next week and not a chapter is covered. I am screwed. But no worries. So no travelling this holiday due to financial constraints. Freshman year is done and cheers to the sophomores.

Participated in a street fighting competition and got beaten bad. But won. Scrapped my face and recuperated. Gained better control of temper now. And that is my best achievement. I do not pick fights no more and i show compassion. Patience is improving and i am more relaxed and calm. But i am still having problems watching what i blurt. Oh you know when i get mad. I had grown and still growing. Will never stop. Ever. But i am losing weight and that is sad. No panic. I am packing up some mass and muscle soon.

Hiatus No More

It had been one and a half month. I had taken an intermission a little too long. I was thinking of shutting down this blog but decided against it. I am dubious if running these fingers on the computer again is a good idea but i am giving it a shot. Perhaps boredom and deprivation drove me to revive this journal once again. A lot had happened in the past and i had learnt so much.

I begun with optimism and furor getting about this blog up and running again. But listen. The song on this blog. Depressing. Because i was browsing through some old tagboards. Brought back memories. Nostalgic. Damn i am feeling it again. Then the emotions came gushing. Sigh. I will update more when i return home. I am going out for some fresh air. Hate this house.