Eid Fitr Is Not For Me (Part 1)

I was not being myself on the first day of raya. Every year if i can recall correctly i was feeling miserable and anti-social. It just comes naturally and that pissed me off. I am angry at myself. I used to be the heart of this large family unit and they enjoyed my company. But this time i distant myself away from the hustle and bustle and chitter-chatterings. Not only was i not part of the laughters, i was not even smiling much. My boys and girls are all grown up now and our relationships are not that tight anymore compared to the days when we used to play fire-crackers and rockets under the block. Conversations were minimal and concise. I just feel like sleeping and locking myself up. I do not sleep on the last night of ramadhan. This year i was with Fadly and Din but did not stayed long because i have a house to clean and tidy up before people starts streaming in the morning. I can be a family person if i want to but it is just that raya was never for me anymore since daddy passed on. It feels different. I am twenty-four but i was still showing attitude and faces in front of relatives. Brother was not happy with it and i am sorry.

Uncle: Ren... muka mengapa serius sangat ambil gambar?
Me: (long silence) Ren tak suka ambil gambar ah (in most deep and hostile voice).

Wan: Ren ambil gambar macam tak ada perasaan seh.
Me: ...

Those were just a few comments i can care to remember. There were hints of criticism towards my character that afternoon but i pretended to be oblivious and deaf and mute and probably dead. I was invisible and transparent. But i regretted my actions and i am feeling remorseful for ruining such joyous occasion. I was such a pickle in a cookie jar. I was not in many pictures this year and the snapshots are only going to dip annually. I was in my room most of the time. I have nowhere to go. I was about to meet Fadly that night but i told him to rest instead because he has to balik kampung the next morning. But him and i met once he got home. He was with me on the second and third day of raya. He is one of the greatest people in my life. Just in case you people cannot remember who Fadly is, obviously you are not close to me. He is my best friend. Maybe brother. I can bet he needs the promotion bad. But i need time. Din is already jealous that we are spending more time then we should. So is your girlfriend. Oh and by the way just for the record, Din is my brother, again. This entry is getting too lengthy. To be continued soon.

HONOUR

I lost a bet to Fadly. I am a man of my word. I will cut my tail. That sadist. He has been hating my hair that way.

Salam Lebaran

Two more days to go to day twenty of fasting and i am still holding on strong to my obligation. I am required to fast so that is what i will do. I will continue to fast. It is okay if my friends are not with me in this so long as i am. It is okay if they do not accompany me to Friday prayers. I can do it alone. I am done persuading. These people are stubborn. These people are hardcore. Then there were times when it was just so hard to proceed without food and water when activities got tedious and strenuous. Hours more to endure and it was tough. But i instilled discipline. It is mind over matter. I succeeded thus far and i am proud. Not easy when your day is laborous. Not easy when you have many unsupportive people around you.

I am getting all excited for the big day already. Season greetings are already streaming in over at my Friendster. Trips down to Geylang and i am yet to get myself the traditional kurung. It is either green or black. I like black. But green is good. I think i am getting both. I missed visiting friends in the east last year. I will try to make it a point this year. But no promises so do not go cooking and stuff. I paid my fitrah but yet to settle my zakat harta. Soon. If you have wealth and fortune you got to give some back to the community. Think of the under-privileged and less-fortunate. It makes my eyes go watery sometimes. Every Aidilfitri every year is bittersweet nostalgia for me. Hey daddy. I miss you. Our family misses you.