Just Rambling Because I Cannot Sleep

Three in the morning and i am still unable to sleep. Tossing and turning do me no good. I just tapped my brother to stop his snoring. He sleeps soundly beside me. I am at Queenstown now. Hardly i return to Jurong these days. I am using laptop number two to type this entry. My attendance in school falls nothing short of appalling and so be it. I got caught smoking again. It sucks to pay fines over and over again. I am already short of cash. I never learn my lesson. I detest school and it is getting more apparent. I cannot pay attention anymore. I have a limited attention span and i get bored easily. Less than four more months to go and i am so done. I am already counting down to the holiday this December. Christmas is here again and as usual i am hosting the annual party at my place. The open house for Hari Raya went well but i am catering for this upcoming party so get your presents ready. But before that - time to hit Zoukout this eighth of December at Siloso Beach. Come join me and my friends if you are interested.

I went swimming with Shahfuddin yesterday evening. It was not like he had not seen that thing before and it was not even our first time swimming together. Hell we even showered together and watered the plants or shared the same urinal before. But yesterday i felt different. I had to take a dump so he had to shower alone. I cannot even have a peaceful moment doing business without him disturbing me. He was so annoying. Finally i was done and it was my turn to wash up. He was already done and almost fully-clothed. He stood and sat there watching me shower for quite awhile. I felt uncomfortable. Suddenly appearing and walking around the toilet in the buff felt awkward. I even had to cover the door a little and told him to look away but i still noticed him peeking. I began to wonder and my thoughts went array. But that cannot be. He has a girlfriend whom he loves too much and he did well on our little escapade that night with Intan. Perhaps i am just well-endowed down there. No wonder others were looking too.

No Point Regretting The Crimes I Committed

I tell my elder brother everything. There is nothing on this planet i cannot relate or share to him about and that includes the tale about me guiding Shahfuddin on the right of passage to becoming a man. Or so i thought. I shall not go into details about this incident that happened very late one night last Friday. I just got home from town when Shahfuddin called again. He buzzed me a few times while i was out that night. It was the usual. He wanted to hang out. I guess chilling out two days ago prior to that Friday till seven in the morning was not enough. He rung me up many times on Thursday too but i did not answer any of his calls. I was out anyway. So back to talking about this Friday night. I was tired but i met him anyway. He can never get enough of me and he enjoyed my company very much i can tell. He said it too. Here is why. I brought him to a place his peers can only dream about. It was his idea. I simply played along. Him and i hailed a cab to Mustafa Centre. The funny thing was we did not even step foot into the mall. Our hands were tied doing something else. Other then Prata and the cab fare i also paid for all other extra co-curricular expenses incurred that night. Including his once-in-a-lifetime experience with a whore down this lane near Desker Road. It was a foursome thing. Shit. I think i talked too much here. Fuck. I think i am a little drunk. I think i revealed too much. I am so dead if she reads this but i care not. Our relationship is on the rocks. Deleting this post changes nothing but kissing and telling is not a good thing so i shall stop here. I do not intend to embarrass myself and my young brother any further. My elder bro did not reprimand me. But he did use terms such as DEGRADING. I can acquire much better girls for free. He understood my promiscuous lifestyle since young and he blames himself sometimes. I watched the people he brought home and i learned. But he was disappointed nonetheless. He was stern and advised that i should watch over Shahfuddin. It is my responsibility and i understood my role. I cannot lead him to becoming the devil that i had become.

Quote #1: "Abang nya handsome adik nya chomel montel!"
Quote #2: "Bagus eh adik beradik pancut keluar sama timing!"

United We Stand Divided We Fall

Raya this year was a happy one amidst the fact that the first day was sucky. My girlfriend Yana and my younger brother (not related by blood) Aizuddin wore black together with me this year. Black is my favourite colour. Even Shahfuddin got black too. Thanks. But however unfortunately Fadly my best buddy was left out from this circle. No worries. There is always next year.

Eid Fitr Is Not For Me (Part 2)

This entry is way overdue. But better late then never i supposed. I am sorry. I have been busy. I will continue to rant it out here from where i left off from the previous post as promised. I was deep in thoughts these days and attributed my less than acceptable behaviour on the first day of raya to the loss of my dad a long time ago. So long ago that drafting an imagery of him is close to being foggy and blurry. It is a sad situation and life is harsh. I had grown from a tiny boy to a man now and a man must come to terms with his losses. There were times i was itching for a peep into the troves of old photographs that yellow with time at the edges but my instincts forfended me. I just cannot do it. Perhaps i am not man enough afterall.

Feeling melodramatic and nostalgic on the first day of raya is pretty normal or so i gathered from observing other families in general. But eminently enough my attitude was of vast difference from any of them. It was a bundle of assimilated feelings for me. I was not happy with myself as stated in the previous entry. This phenomenon or catastrophe repeats itself every single year. No matter how hard i tried my efforts were futile. It adds to the pain i felt inside seeing the rest of the family members in complete numbers feeling chirpy and bubbly. They can enjoy their photo snapping sessions normally but i cannot even find the strength to lift a smile on my face for a potrait that cannot hide truths of scenes from the past. It hurts.

But no matter how fast the sands of time seeps through the hour glass a son will not forget his father. His name is in my prayers and the memory of a son and a father fishing gleefully together once upon a time at Pandan drain lingers through the test of time. It is okay if people are unable to understand my predicament. It is up to me to go through this challenge on my own without help from anyone and i will turn to God for sanctuary and enlightenment. Perhaps being reminded of dad once every year is a good thing so that he will never be forgotten. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I must learn to deal with it. Period.

Today is the last day of Syawal and i wish for my sins from one and all to be erased. I had not been a good person for most years of my life and it is time for reform. Today could be my final day here as a citizen of this damned planet. To err is human and to forgive is divine. People make mistakes and i seek forgiveness from all. I humble myself before my family and friends and those whom i had forgotten along the way or names i cannot remember to allow me the chance to do amendments and atone for my wrongdoings. May we prosper long enough to meet again the following year to greet the morning light of Syawal.