Eid Fitr Is Not For Me (Part 2)

This entry is way overdue. But better late then never i supposed. I am sorry. I have been busy. I will continue to rant it out here from where i left off from the previous post as promised. I was deep in thoughts these days and attributed my less than acceptable behaviour on the first day of raya to the loss of my dad a long time ago. So long ago that drafting an imagery of him is close to being foggy and blurry. It is a sad situation and life is harsh. I had grown from a tiny boy to a man now and a man must come to terms with his losses. There were times i was itching for a peep into the troves of old photographs that yellow with time at the edges but my instincts forfended me. I just cannot do it. Perhaps i am not man enough afterall.

Feeling melodramatic and nostalgic on the first day of raya is pretty normal or so i gathered from observing other families in general. But eminently enough my attitude was of vast difference from any of them. It was a bundle of assimilated feelings for me. I was not happy with myself as stated in the previous entry. This phenomenon or catastrophe repeats itself every single year. No matter how hard i tried my efforts were futile. It adds to the pain i felt inside seeing the rest of the family members in complete numbers feeling chirpy and bubbly. They can enjoy their photo snapping sessions normally but i cannot even find the strength to lift a smile on my face for a potrait that cannot hide truths of scenes from the past. It hurts.

But no matter how fast the sands of time seeps through the hour glass a son will not forget his father. His name is in my prayers and the memory of a son and a father fishing gleefully together once upon a time at Pandan drain lingers through the test of time. It is okay if people are unable to understand my predicament. It is up to me to go through this challenge on my own without help from anyone and i will turn to God for sanctuary and enlightenment. Perhaps being reminded of dad once every year is a good thing so that he will never be forgotten. Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I must learn to deal with it. Period.

Today is the last day of Syawal and i wish for my sins from one and all to be erased. I had not been a good person for most years of my life and it is time for reform. Today could be my final day here as a citizen of this damned planet. To err is human and to forgive is divine. People make mistakes and i seek forgiveness from all. I humble myself before my family and friends and those whom i had forgotten along the way or names i cannot remember to allow me the chance to do amendments and atone for my wrongdoings. May we prosper long enough to meet again the following year to greet the morning light of Syawal.